Friday, November 20, 2015

With the words of my... hands...

So many good things that God does for me. I don't know how to talk about them because I am embarassed, afraid.

Look what God has done:

Bob works for a Christian man who loves God and cares for Bob first as a human being and not just as an asset. When the girls and I were in a car accident and we needed Bob to pick us up, Bryan told Bob to take his (Bryan's) car and to take the rest of the day off. That is not a standard benefit. God I am grateful.

I live in a country where I am not counted as a criminal (just a fool) for the way I believe. I can worship my God in public and not fear.

I get to homeschool a gentle, wise, and cooperative person whom I love. My children are healthy and have enough to eat each day. It is more than enough.

My parents have given me many gifts of their wisdom and they allow me, in many ways, to live a life richer and fuller than I otherwise could. My childhood is full of happy memories of companionship, laughs, wrestling, and God's loving guidance. So many have their roots planted in abuse and loneliness and have to wait a long time to be replanted in the good earth of God's comfort and mercy.
God permitted me to have faithful parents. I am thankful.

My husband permits me to raise our children in a faith he does not agree with. He sees it is important to me and does not naysay it. I am thankful.

There is more. A lot more. But its not for here; not right now.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

He's there

Tomorrow look at the clouds and know that God placed them there.

God continued, "My covenant is between me and you and every living thing with you. It is a covenant for all time to come. "Here is the sign of the covenant I am making. I have put my rainbow in the clouds. It will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Sometimes when I bring clouds over the earth, a rainbow will appear in them. Then I will remember my covenant between me and you and every kind of living thing. The waters will never become a flood to destroy all life again.
Genesis 9:12-15 NIRV

Marley: I wish the Duebbers lived at our house.
Solo : Than there would be TWO grownups!

Saturday, November 14, 2015


My little dog tracks my every move by staring at me through her eyebrows. sage might actually believe that she is a fish. Solomon has started to pick up on the beginning of literacy and he is on fire with it. he cannot get enough of reading to other people.  finding a good book to read really cuts in on my sleep. I am thrilled to have the problem that I do not know if I should read a book work on my painting or continue to stare helplessly at the outline that I am working on for my writing project. I am composing this with voice to text because I am so sick of this tiny keyboard. We had a fire today and we had to fight tooth and nail for it because all of the wood was wet. but with enough accelerant any wood will burn. Bob gave each of the kids a wheelbarrow ride in the dark. they were thrilled, so was I.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

My kids

Sage has nine teeth with her tenth about to break through any day.
Today she sang in a breathy singsong voice, "let it go."
She says, "Thank you Daddy", "hi there birdies", "Lulu no! Lulu go!"
She is eating for Crispix for breakfast this week.
She loves to way goodbye to Solo and Bob as they leave in the morning.
She loves ritual. The more steps, the better. I believe it is because she likes to be right and prediction of things counts.
When she hugs me it is like dawn breaking.
She is a messy, messy kid and she will eat pretty much anything. Especially non food items.
She loves to hold Solomon's hand in the car.
She loves going to the green township library and drinking at the water fountain and playing on the kid computers (hitting the keyboard while wearing headphones).


Solomon likes to watch football with Bob. I suspect that it's because of the unalloyed pleasure it clearly gives Bob.
Solo loves Skylanders, Star Wars, Skylanders.
Solomon struggles with hearing things the first time.
He has a wonderful heart and always watches to make sure everyone is ok and safe and doing what's allowed.
Solomon's face is very flexible.
Solo closes his eyes when he smiles.
My heart hurts when I look at him and I feel the urge to improve myself for his sake.
Solo hates to have messy hands.
Solo is moved to tearful sympathy when movie characters suffer. (Eg. Girl gets temporarily seperate from her mom in the movie 'Home'.)

Marley is in the state's  98th percentile for reading and language arts.
She loves graphic novels.
She takes social injustice very, very personally.
She wants to be a scientist, a ballerina, a writer, a spy.
Marley's wisdom has saved my day many times in the past.
Her memory is very good. She can playback violin notes without reading them.
Marley replies slowly when asked questions and the world often rushes her, me included. This is our bad, not her's.
Marley loves crazy socks.
Marley almost always wants to wear her hair down.
Marley loves chapstick and lipgloss.

My children are very wonderful and exasperating. They are much better than I am.

Saturday, October 17, 2015


The grass where I sit has been clipped low. Just a little higher than the top of my hand, my palm laid flat against the ground, fingers spread. There is a herd of unperturbed, healthy horses nearby. That explains the short grass. I smile. I can hear the gentle sounds of their teeth, working their food. Some of them look at me, I look at them, and they go back to their grazing. Not afraid, neither am I.

There are trees nearby. Sometimes a breeze blows their leaves into a wild chorus, eventually shushing itself quiet again. There are flowers.  No neat and tidy rows; only the reckless, sweet assymetry I use to see in the early spring.  It makes my heart feel full now. I do not feel the subtle longing to pick them and carry them with me. I love them where they are and I know there will be more. Their scent reaches me.

And I do take breaths. And I do feel hunger. But the hunger isn't pitched or anxious. It is anticipation and the comfort of knowing deeply within, that needs will be met perfectly, at exactly the right moment.

Sunday, October 11, 2015


Once when checking out at the grocery store with my baby Marley, I miscalculated and had to put back the little pumpkin I had picked up because i couldn't afford it. The man behind me in line caught up with us in the parking lot and handed me the pumpkin, he'd paid for it. He wanted to make sure my little girl had a pumpkin. His kindness blew my mind, it still does. Probably the money was nothing to him but it was brave. I could have gotten angry or rejected him.

We went to the farm today and we rode on a hayride and we each picked out a pumpkin and I didn't feel tense or stressed at all. It felt very extravagant and good. And I was very much reminded of that man's kindness. I pray I can find the bravery that kindness many times requires.

I'm just feeling so thankful.

Friday, October 9, 2015


The unexamined life might not be worth living.  I guess it depends on how you define the words and under what context, etc.

For me, the life without witnesses is stagnation. I can examine myself day and night; actions and thoughts and motivations broken down into their smallest parts and the minutiae put under a microscope. But still some development  is born of wisdom from an outsider's perspective. 

Though I study and consider and strive to discern what the better part of wisdom is; though I actively pursue improvement and growth. If I never have someone to stop (upon witnessing me immersed in my follies) (of which, there are many and often) and admit to me that I am making a mistake... I stagnate.

I am human and excel in lying to myself. I cannot see, blinded by love for the petty god of my existence, the failings that persist in my everyday, my every-hour.

It is a condition I have inflicted on myself. I have carefully and painstakingly constructed walls to insure my alienation. Like a politician, I am ever mindful of what  public availability I allow. Permitting only vulnerabilities that allow for superficial contact.

Every titled and numbered sin, I have committed. Every one. And those sins too complex and subtle to be named with surety, I have committed too.

And by grace of God and the gift of faith, I know that my failings will not seperate me from my Creator. My spirit is redeemed by the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The holy spirit groans within me for what is needful, far beyond my understanding.

My life is pale; the known world is sad and broken; there is no hope in the world, save one. But it is a sure hope. We do not wait to see if, only when.

And for now, my pale life stagnates for lack of fellowship. My worship is crippled by my fear.

God give me strength. God, make me brave! Prepare me and make able my heart to do the work that you have laid out for me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

This life

I don't have the words and I don't understand. I am thankful.